Quotations
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Mitch Hedberg Quotes
«Sometimes I wake up and I think I should start wearing a beret, but I don't do it. One day I'm gonna, though. You bet your ass, I will have a beret on. That's ridiculous, but it's true. I always fight with wearing a beret.»
Author: Mitch Hedberg
(Comedian)
| About:
Fashion,
Funny,
Self-Awareness
| Keywords:
ass, beret, bet, ridiculous, wake up, wearing, you bet
«I went to the store to bye a candle holder. They didn't have one so I got a cake.»
Author: Mitch Hedberg
(Comedian)
«I wrote a script for a guy, and he said he liked it but he thought that I need to rewrite it. I said, Screw that, I'll just make a copy.»
«You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.»
Author: Mitch Hedberg
(Comedian)
| Keywords:
buy it, fancy, farm, pepperidge, toast, toasted, toasting, wrapped
«I saw a product on late night tv. It said, you can water your hard-to-reach plants with this product. Who the fuck would make their plants hard to reach?! I know you need water, but I'm gonna make you hard to reach. I will throw water at you. Hopefully they invent a product before you shrivel and die. And they said, you can have this product for four easy payments of $19.95. I would like to see a product that was available for three easy payments, and one fuckin' complicated payment. We ain't gonna tell you which one it is, but one of these payments is gonna be a bitch: the mailman will get shot to death, the envelope will not seal, and the stamps will be in the wrong denomination...Good luck f*cker! The last payment must be made in wompum!»
Author: Mitch Hedberg
(Comedian)
| About:
Funny,
Television
| Keywords:
available, bitch, complicated, denomination, denominations, envelope, envelopes, fuck, fucker, Fuckin, good luck, hopefully, invent, Late Night, mailman, one shot, payment, payments, plants, seal, shot, shrivel, shriveled, shrivels, shrivel up, stamps
«I had a bag of fritos, they were texas grilled fritos. These fritos had grill marks on them. They remind me of something, when we used to fire up the barbeque and throw down some fritos. I can still see my dad with the apron on, better flip that frito, dad, you know how I like mine.»