Quotations
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Mitch Hedberg Quotes
«Sometimes I make some money doin' comedy. I made $3000 opening for the Neville Brothers, and they paid me in cash, so I had $3000 in my front pocket. That was a bad situation, because then I start to buy ridulous sh**. Like, I bought a snake-bite emergency repair kit. Then I said to my friends, 'Don't even worry about snakes anymore.' Then my friend stepped on a worm, I said, 'Lay down.' Snake bite emergency repair kit... is a body bag.»
Author: Mitch Hedberg
(Comedian)
«My roommate said, 'I need to shave and use the shower. Does anyone need to use the bathroom?' It's like some weird-a** quiz, where he reveals the answer first.»
Author: Mitch Hedberg
(Comedian)
«Onions make me sad, a lot of people don't realize that. When I'm cutting onions, I'm sad. Because the plight of onions, it's sad. But people don't realize I'm actually crying - they think I'm just reacting.»
«I think pickles are cucumbers that sold out. They sold their soul to the devil - and the devil was dill.»
Author: Mitch Hedberg
(Comedian)
«You can't please all the people all the time, and last night all those people were at my show.»
Author: Mitch Hedberg
(Comedian)
«I mumble a lot off-stage, I'm a mumbler. If I'm walking with a friend and I say something, he won't hear me, he'll say 'What?'. So I'll say it again, but once again he doesn't hear me, so he says 'What?'. But really it's just some insignificant sh*t that I'm saying, but now I'm yelling, 'That tree is far away.'»
«My apartment is infested with koala bears. It's the cutest infestation ever... Way better than cockroaches. When I turn on the light, a bunch of koala bears scatter. And I don't want 'em to. I'm like, 'Hey, hold on fellas - Let me hold one of you.'»
Author: Mitch Hedberg
(Comedian)
«One time a guy handed me a picture. He said, 'Here's a picture of me when I was younger.' Every picture is of you when you were younger. 'Here's a picture of me when I'm older.' 'You son of bit**, how'd you pull that off? Let me see that camera. What's it look like?'»
«I had my palm read. I wrote something on it first, to see if she would read that too.»
Author: Mitch Hedberg
(Comedian)
«I think Bigfoot is blurry - that's the problem. It's not the photographers' fault. Bigfoot is blurry. And that's extra-scary to me. There's a large, out-of-focus monster roamin' the countryside. 'Run, he's fuzzy, get out of here.'»
Author: Mitch Hedberg
(Comedian)